Things I've seen this week . The woman , who lives round the corner , taking her parrot for a walk along the river . She in a long floaty dress , the parrot in neat grey feathers , perched on a stick . A young woman in thigh-high boots being pulled along the pavement by two Huskies .... and the green car , music chakkabooming , slowing down alongside . Young lads leaning out of the windows yelling and whistling before driving off with a screech . Her quiet giggle . A plump little girl , fat plaits sticking out either side , stomping along the street carrying a huge tabby cat lying on its back purring , paws in the air . The man cycling past with a long ladder under his arm . I do like living in town ..... ( This is appearing as one long paragraph , for some reason , despite my attempts to leave a line between each "thing seen". Blogger has a mind of its own . You'll have to edit it as you read . )
This is my friend Jay installing and upgrading a new (second-hand) macbook for me. I am now officially a two-mac-user-owner. Eat your heart out, everybody. (No doubt, you are all going to spoil my fun and start showing off the many computers you own.)
The photo also shows the place where I am right now sitting and typing this post and have been sitting and typing all my posts up to now, namely, my study. But, no more, in future I shall be just as mobile as the rest of you.
I went to two work-related classes today.
This is what I learned.
If you are a young and attractive female presenter at a class, do not do the following:
Wear a scarf that slips around a lot creating tension in your audience about when it will slide completely off your neck
Say "ahhh" repeatedly (every third word!) as you search for your next point
Reach into your clothing to rearrange straps
Flutter your eyelids toward the ceiling as you talk
Tell long convoluted stories meant to illustrate a particular point but that go far afield and into minute detail that does not contribute to the proceedings
While your tag-teammate is speaking, do not:
Sit directly in front of him
Fiddle with your materials, pushing them here and there, straightening them up, squaring up the edges
Highlight things on your papers and click the cap back on and off and on and off
Constantly work your head around at odd angles to loosen up those neck muscles
Unscrew your water bottle, take a sip, put the cap back on . . . repeat . . . repeat . . . repeat
In a former life, when I was a young and attractive woman, I was, on numerous occasions, such a presenter to roomsful of middle-aged men. Once I became comfortable with the public speaking and began to enjoy it . . . perhaps a bit too much . . . I received an excellent piece of advice from my boss.
He said, "Don't start believing your own P.R."
Dr FTSE has posted all about this today on hisVSB post, I noticed. It has given me the perfect opportunity to add my twopennyworth to the soupbowl.
The Light Bulb
My body gleams, rotund yet shapely, sleek
as any curvaceous maiden's mystique.
Hanging proud from ridged metallic case
my inner filaments burn, and light the face
of my world. I will live for many hours
but in myself I have no magic powers.
I rely upon electric current
for colourful emblazonment
of life's dark spaces. People ignore
me. The candles they used before
my birth needed careful attention.
But I, in my turn, get but little mention.
I am superseded by fluorescent
tubing. Daylight bright, incandescent
light, long-lasting, cool and economic
in appliances which consider ergonomics
essential. An angled reading lamp has
the advantage over me, has pizzazz.
Its many knobbed adjustments can
be a blessing for a short-sighted man
or woman with a bookish inclination.
It can be attached to their work station
and render my meagre glow from up above
superfluous, no longer anybody's light'o'love.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll suddenly have to pee.
Law of Gravity: Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater and Sporting Arena At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or game. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance or game. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance: If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking: Some people are born with a silver foot in their mouth, and some people open their mouths only to exchange feet. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’ Law: If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor; by the time you get there you’ll feel better. If you don’t make an appointment, you’ll stay sick.
I have more fun in my dreams than I do in my waking life. The best and most entertaining dreams are the little short stories that happen after the alarm goes off, before I manage to wake up enough to get out of bed.
This morning, I got up (in my dream) and came downstairs to find Valentine presents that were singing songs to me, a wedding reception or funeral after-party going on, full of people I didn't know and who barely spoke to me, and Husband taking down Christmas decorations. All the hubbub bothered me so I went outside and found Angus poodle with his leg broken right off and lying next to him. He seemed not to mind very much, and later in the dream, he was whole again.
Yesterday I had dreams of flying my car through very deep snow like a boat through water, seeing whitetail deer who were so curious about me that they followed me to sniff me, and a billy goat who let me hold his beard for a minute.
It's the Winter Effect, I think. My senses are so starved for stimulation that my brain is inventing these fantastical stories.
If you eat something, and no one sees you, then the food has no calories.
When you eat with someone else, the calories do not count if they eat more than you.
Broken biscuits contain no calories, the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, e.g. hot chocolate for relaxation, brandy for fortification, toast and cheesecake as anti-depressants.
Food licked off cutlery or out of a bowl has no calories if you are following a recipe, e.g. butter icing on cake, the remains of scone mixture, cream for the top of a trifle.
TV and cinema food contain no calories as they are part of the whole entertainment package.
Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories, e.g. spinach and mint ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate, water and a large gin and tonic.
Athletes eat huge amounts of pasta before races like the marathon. It's a myth that you have to run 26 miles to work it off. One brisk trot round the settee is quite sufficient to wipe out one bowl of spaghetti. Twice around the living room will use up so much energy that a chocolate bar is required to supplement your sugar level and rebuild your strength.
On Thursday afternoon , while I was tidying up when the pre-schoolers had all gone home , one of the mothers wandered back in and thanked me for having found her gloves . She saw that I was sweeping the floor and said , "Oh , you do that too !" . "Yes , the cleaner only comes twice a week ". "Well I suppose it's better than dancing on a table for a living". And I had to agree . Grey haired , non-buxom and with two left feet , I can truly say that I wouldn't be the ideal candidate for the post . She , meanwhile , wandered back off , looking pensive . Early shift at the pancake-mix factory does that to people .